8:00 a.m. Awake from nightmare in which you're stuck at home with your family for days...oh...wait..
8:15 a.m. Make pot of coffee. Read texts from various group chats. Copy and paste any funny memes, careful not to paste a meme into the same group chat you just got it from. Sip coffee and wait eagerly for the "haha's" to roll in.
9:00 a.m. YouTube workout. Lay on yoga mat deep breathing. Get distracted by dust bunnies under bed, get vacuum out and vacuum under bed. Pour through photo albums under bed to soothing sounds of yoga instructor in the background.
10:00 a.m. Sneeze into elbow for second time. Wonder whether to take a Zyrtec or call the CDC.
11:00 a.m. Contemplate lunch. What will it be today - leftovers from Monday night's dinner, canned chicken noodle soup from 2017 or a bowl of cereal? The options are dizzying.
12:00 noon Stand at kitchen sink with empty bowl of cereal and contemplate meaning of life.
12:15 p.m. Watch news in which the President says Easter is a bigly holiday in which the Corinthians envoked the military production act to strong arm the Philistines into making stuff for Pharoah. Turn off the TV and stare at the screen and contemplate the meaning of life.
1:00 p.m. Finally attack junk drawer in kitchen. Throw away the ball of twine that has a roll of Scotch tape and three paper clips dangling from it into trash. Feel sense of accomplishment, shut drawer.
2:30 p.m. Take the dog on eighth walk of the day.
3:00 p.m. Nap time. Become one with bed.
4:00 p.m. Awake from nap starved and disoriented. Downstairs for post-nap snack of leftover chicken wings, a handful of Goldfish, three grapes and ice cream right out of the container.
5:00 p.m. Family asks what's for dinner. Weird. They're hungry and you're not, again. Decide to help economy and order takeout. Spend 15 minutes debating where to go.
7:30 p.m. Sip wine and scroll through Netflix. Choose King Tiger since everyone's talking about it. Watch 35 minutes and decide all 7 episodes could be accomplished in one Dateline. Flip over to Home Town and fantasize about downsizing to a small rambler in Laurel, Mississippi with reclaimed shiplap and nice people.
9:00 p.m. Stand in pantry eating Twizzlers and wondering if there's enough brown sugar to make chocolate chip cookies tomorrow.
10:00 p.m. Brush teeth and skip flossing out of sheer laziness. Ignore dark brown roots on top of head and bathroom scale in corner.
10:15 p.m. Lights out. Pray for all those struggling, for the medical community, for educators, for small businesses, for grocery workers, for scientists, especially Dr. Fauchi my new hero, and for my family who has to put up with me again tomorrow. God Bless us all.
