Wednesday, May 8, 2019

How Game of Thrones Ends

Because absolutely nobody asked, here is my prediction for how things go down. 

Both Jon and Dany die in battle. I'm sorry. I get that Dany wanted the crown so badly and worked like seven hells to get it and even though Jon didn't want it, he'd be a good king. But guys, this is Thrones. Valar Morghulis. Go write your own ending if you want.

After Dany is killed, Tyrion climbs on Drogon and somehow manages to roast the majority of the Golden Company and swing over to the bay and torch Euron’s fleet, saving thousands of innocents and making him a hero to the the populace.

Meanwhile, during the chaos of battle, Jaime slips into King's Landing. His plan all along was to go to Cersei not because he loves her, but because he knows she’s lost her damn mind and that he’s the only one who can gain close access to her and take her down. Bronn fends off the Mountain and Qyburn while Jaime strangles Cersei (Don't ask me how he does it with one metal hand. It's PROPHECY OKAY?) The Mad King slayer is now the Mad Queen slayer as well. He contemplates that for two seconds as he looks out Cersei's window towards the North and Brianne. Bronn managed to stab Qyburn to death, but the Mountain has broken past and charges Jaime and shoves him to his death below. Seeing this, Bronn flees for his life.

The Hound and the Mountain battle it out, but in the end it’s Arya who swoops in and executes the Mountain right before he mortally wounds his little brother, pissing off the Hound so badly he vows never to speak again and disappears.

When the dust of war settles, Tyrion is seated on the Iron Throne with Varys as his Hand. Bran reveals to all Tyrion is indeed a Targaryn which explains why his father hated him and he could ride a dragon with ease. Under Tyrion’s rule, Westeros sees huge advances in social justice, wine production and the brothel business for generations to come.

Tyrion names Sansa Queen of the North where she rules with a firmness and justice much like her father except has no problem lying or telling other peoples secrets to get the job done. She is faithfully protected by Brienne and remains close friends and in regular touch with Tyrion. One chilly fall day, Ghost returns with a mate by his side and a pack of puppies trailing behind them. He gets a long overdue “good boy" and curls up in front of Sansa’s fireplace never to leave Winterfell again.

As promised, Bronn is given lordship of beautiful Highgarden in the verdant lands of The Reach. He dies within a month of complications from an untreated pox on his man parts. Bran then takes an interest in Highgarden and creates elaborate plans for cultivating "herbs" in its fertile and temperate climate. Henceforth, he can be found in a haze of smoke living in the past in the Reach's famous weirwood. Which has not only one, but three weirwood trees bruh! Look it up.

Gendry spends a long and lonely few months forging steel at Storm's End until Arya rides into town unannounced and accepts his old offer of marriage, but with one stipulation - she refuses to wear a wedding dress. Their joyful wedding is a festive three day banger and shifts the people’s morale from grief over the war to hope for the future. The Hound, who never RSVP'd, shows up at the reception with his hair and beard freshly groomed, delivers the best toast in all of Westeros wedding history, and disappears again. Gendry and Arya go on to raise five sons who she teaches to become expert swordsmen, except for the one who prefers to embroider and eat lemon cakes. He is sent to Aunt Sansa's because she's the only one who gets him.

Sam and Gilly make their home at the Citadel where Sam becomes Head Maester and also establishes the kingdom's first hospital. Gilly revolutionizes the library’s organizational system and eventually opens it to the public. Their sons Sam and Jon and daughter Eddwina grow up to become respected educators and open colleges throughout the seven kingdoms, spreading history, science and medical knowledge to the masses. 

Davos quietly takes to the seas again and is never heard from until one day a ship loaded with riches floats into King's Landing's bay with a message for Tyrion that it belonged to Ser Davos Seaworth and the entirety has been willed to the orphanages of Westeros.

Drogon is given all the goats he can possibly eat and a nice grassy meadow at King’s Landing. Despondent, he flies away the next night for Dragonstone, where he spends the rest of his days either perched atop the empty castle or sleeping on the deserted beaches below. He never breathes fire again.

One night somewhere north of the abandoned Wall, well after the Wildlings have settled back in, the faint voice of Ygritte whispers “you know nothing Jon Snow." Far off in the snowy distance…one icy blue eye opens.

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